Thinking (Love and Relationships pt.1)

I feel like there's so much I want to say and do. I can't even admit to myself that I've allowed me to fall harder than I meant to. I can tell that I am in deeper than expected. I used to think it was a pride thing of not wanting to lose or let go, but it's emotions. It's the fact that I think about him all day. I want to see him, touch him, feel him. I even pretend as if I don't care. As if at any second I could let him go, but it's not the case. I want him. I want him to want me in the same way, but he doesn't and I can tell. I'm such a fool for falling for a fool, but now my dumb ass is stuck. Good girls always come last. I want my happy ever after, but I won't get it. She will. The lazy chick, or the ghetto chick, or the overly jealous chick, or any girl with a major problem. It seems as if because I'm so secure with myself it's a turn off. A man wants to feel needed. I don't have any major eff-ed up issues in my life right now except for this. I miss him already. I can only stay mad so long. I told him I loved him a while back ago, but I didn't mean it the way I think he took it. I didn't think I would ever love him. It was just fun after I found out he wasn't Mr. Perfect, but now I think I do. If I didn't I wouldn't be trippin like this. Looking at his online pages just to look at him. Crazy I know. And he's a total ass-hole when he wants to be, then suck an effing gentleman too. It pisses me off. I hate this. But I knew it would happen. Don't ask how but I always know when I meet a person how significant they would be to me and esp in dudes, if I will love them. I knew before I met him I would love him. Knowing the future is hard because now you have to decide if you'll go with the flow and let fate take over, or will you be more cautious because you know he'll capture your heart and you don't want to be hurt? Me being the romantic I am, I took the fate way. Between mind and heart, I always choose heart. I wanted to fall for him at first. I wanted to love him the best I could. I let myself go and fell into his wave. Midway through I realized I should maybe swim back a little, but those were some nice ass waves...they already had me out in the middle of the ocean. Now I'm treading water and if anyone who swims knows, it's very tiresome and takes a lot of energy, concentration, and focusing. I'm so tired of this bullshit with him. I want to jump on the rescue boat but for some reason I can't. I can't just end it, I can't get out. Feel like I signed a effing lease, signed it with my couchie. I was so much happier single, alone, by myself. I had a dude I was kickin it with. And he knew what it was, so did I. And I could do what I wanted and see who I wanted and not worry about anything else. But at the same time something was missing, and that was stability. The idea of knowing someone was there to have my back regardless. Someone I could emotionally depend on. I thought it was him, but now not so sure. Tired of games and him playing with my already fragile heart. I don't want to be one of "those" women who are men haters and end up mean and bitter, but I feel that is my ultimate fate seeing that I'm soooo nice and men take advantage of that and abuse it. I don't know. I'm confused. I feel trapped, locked down, held down by weights. I want to free myself, but scared of being alone again. Oh well Kelsey, I"m strong. Just have to suck it up and ride it out...or man up and get out.