"Okay baby, love you to." I hung up the phone with my husband and giggled a bit. I was at lunch with a couple of female colleagues for an out of town conference. They both shook their heads and had an awkward smile on their face as they listened to our conversation. "What?" I asked. "That's love," said my co-worker Jesse. "Definitely," agreed Sandra, my other co-worker. I just smiled. "Yeah it is." I said, "I love my boo. He's such a good man." "I wish I could find me one," said Jesse, "He got any brothers?" We laughed at the joke. "No," started Sandra, "But seriously it's so hard to find a good man that women are settling. I don't want a cheater, or wife-beater, or deadbeat." "Or he got 5 kids, 5 different baby mamas, or aint got no job," said Jesse. "Or hell, if they do got it all together, they be gay!" We all laughed. The conversation made me realize even more of what I had. I guess I was one of the lucky few. I decided I would leave early and surprise my husband at his job the next day to show my appreciation. I wanted to keep my good man.
The next day I arrived back early and made it back in town right before lunch. I picked up some sub sandwiches, his favorite, and wrapped it nicely in a little picnic basket. His job had an outdoor table and it would be perfect for an afternoon lunch. I arrived to his office. The receptionist smiled big as soon as she saw me. She knew who I was. "Hi Patricia!" I said in a greeting manner. "Hi Mrs. Arnold, looking for your husband I presume?" I showed her the basket of food and she smiled. She picked up the phone and called my husband's secretary. I stood there not really paying attention until I saw a weird look come across Patricia's face. "Well okay then," she said right before hanging up the phone. I looked at her for answers. "Mrs. Arnold," she started awkwardly, "Your husband didn't come in today. He took the day off. I guess he failed to mention it possibly." She tried to sugar coat the fact that my man was not where he was supposed to be and that I, his wife, had no idea where he was. "Um," I said, "Well okay then. He probably told me and I was so busy it went in one ear and out the next." We both giggled. I said goodbye and headed back to my car.
As I drove home millions of thoughts ran through my head. Some good, some bad. Either way I was confused over why James wouldn't tell me he took the day off. We had just talked the night before. I figured I'd go home to see if he were there. I wanted to call, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise. I was surprised when I got home to see a car in the driveway. I knew immediately that something wasn't right, my husband was having an affair. My perfect man. I cried a bit as I sat in the driveway. I was wondering how I couldn't know or tell or even worse, why would he cheat on me? Then I began to try and think rationally. Maybe it was something else. Either way I knew I needed to get in that house and find out what the hell was going on.
I turned my key slowly as I entered my home. I could hear a bit of ruckus coming from upstairs. This verified my thoughts that he was cheating. I grabbed a baseball bat from the closet downstairs as my mind went a bit delirious and anxiety built up within me. Tears of anger began to form. I walked slowly up the stairs. The closer I got to our bedroom the louder the grunting sex noises got. The door was cracked a bit. I could see bodies moving under the cover. I was ready to bust a bitch in her head.
I burst through the door and my husband immediately jumped up out of the bed, butt naked. "Why!?" I yelled at him. "Felicia, calm down!" he said back, "I will explain, put the bat down." I turned towards the bed to look at the hussie he was with. "And you bitch!" I said turning towards her, but I was soon frozen in place. Her was a him. It was a small slender man. A bit feminine like. He had arched eyebrows and it looked like lip gloss on. I quickly turned back to James. "You're gay?" I asked in a shocking manner. "Baby," he began, but I quickly interrupted. "Don't you baby me!" I said with a crackling voice. I lowered the back slowly and tried to comprehend what I was seeing. "You're gay James? All this time?" The young man in the bed just covered himself with the blanket and looked back and forth at the two of us who stared at one another. "I," began James, "I don't know," he finished. "Oh my God," I said, as I put my back against the wall. I dropped the bat and began crying into my hands. James came over towards me and began to put his arm around my shoulders. I quickly jumped back. "Don't you fuckin touch me!" I screamed, "You fucking fag! I see what you want! You don't want a 'real' woman, you want a wanna be. It's over! You disgust me!" I yelled as I ran out my house. I jumped in my car and drove straight to my mother's.
The next week was hard for me. I had never really seen any signs that my husband was gay, but now that I thought back, it all became a bit more clear. He had life long guy friends who never dated women or ever got married. He'd like to to do things with me that only other women would like to do. Even more, he always pushed back the idea of us starting a family. I admit, he had hid it well. I wondered now how long it had been going on. Whether it started before we got married or not, even though in my heart I know it did. I was scared for my own personal health. "Baby, you need to go get checked," my mama said, "You know, for 'things'." I knew she was right, but I didn't want to focus too much on that.
James called me everyday, but I refused to answer. I went to work like I normally did. My friends there could tell something was wrong with me, but they were always good at not digging too deep into my business. They'd just say broad things such as, "hope every things going well with you," or "If you want to talk about anything let me know." I always declined. This was embarrassing enough. I didn't want my entire office building to know that my picture perfect marriage was bogus and destroyed. Everyone thought we were the ideal couple. Other couples mocked themselves after us.
While checking my email at work I noticed he had wrote me. I knew I wouldn't be able to read it at work and keep my composure so I printed it out, placed it in an envelope and took it back to my mother's house with me. I went in my room and shut the door. I unfolded the note slowly.and read it.
Dear Felicia, My love, my heart. You are the greatest woman to have walked this earth. You are without a doubt you are my best friend and I never would have made it this far without you being a part of my life. You are a good woman. You deserve nothing but the best from a good man. I'm afraid I haven't been that man for you. I've let you down, been dishonest, and even worse hurt you. The idea, the feeling of you hurting hurts me more than anything, and I don't want to ever hurt you again. You don't deserve this. The day you came home you asked me something. I'm sure you recall the question. After being without you these past few days, missing you and you're touch it made me think deep about the question. It is a fact that I am deeply in love with you, however it is an even stronger fact that the answer to your question is yes, baby, I am a gay man. I want to be a good husband and friend to you, but I know won't be. I will continue to have these urges and I'm tired of hiding it. I think by letting you know now and ending what we have, I can no longer hurt you. I can finally be honest with both you and myself. I will always love you my dear and look forward to talking to you soon. In person. I'm cooking dinner Tuesday night around 7pm. Please come.
Love, James
I cried as I read the email. I cried and hugged my pillow like an infant child. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I'd always been a good woman and didn't feel I deserved what was happening to me. Deep in my heart I missed my husband so much. His jokes, our talks, even our making love which now I doubted that he even thought of me while we did it.
I wanted to be with him and get him passed this whole "I'm gay" thing. I was hoping maybe something happened in his childhood that had him confused about who he was. Maybe it was psychological and this was his way of rebelling for having to be the perfect child growing up. His father died when he was young and he had to basically raise his younger siblings while working and maintaining a high gpa. Perhaps all of this had fallen on him and going a against the grain and sleeping with men was a way for him to vent. If I could just get him another way to vent or release. Maybe we could see a psychologist or a pastor who deals with these types of things. Nevertheless, I wanted to go home to him on Tuesday night and convince him his love for me is stronger than his lust for men.
I ran my thoughts by my mother as she ironed clothes. As I spoke she didn't say one word, just continued ironing. She just shook her head as if she were agreeing with me. When I got done I felt happy, as if I had found a solution to my problem. My mama sat her iron down, turned towards me and placed her hand on her hip. "Now baby," she said, "you know I'm a Christian and I know that homosexuality is a sin sin sin, but I also know that once a man turned, he gone. Now can't nobody, and I hate to say it, not even a preacha can turn a gay man straight. I know you love your man, and you just being a good wife, tryna stay with him through thick and thin. You wanna help him and love him, but he's gone baby. You will never sleep soundly again wondering if while you away, he tryna play. You'll be checkin his emails and cell phone. Going through his computer for that nasty ol' gay porn. You'll drive yourself crazy!"
I knew my mama was right. She was an older woman and therefore a wise woman, but I knew I was still going to try and save my marriage despite what she said.
James and I decided to go ahead and have dinner Tuesday night. I was anxiously awaiting seeing him and convincing him we could work things out. I even bought new sexy lingerie. When I got to the house I stayed in my parked car for a while. "Dear God," I began to pray aloud, "Please let this go well and save my marriage." I got out the car and headed to the front door. I had a key, but instead I rang the doorbell of my own house. He came and opened it quickly. He had a slight smile on his face as if he were happy to see me but it was so big as if everything was back to normal. I walked in straight pass him and made my way to the living room and took a seat. I just simply said hi. He looked and smelled good. He had on a white apron. I had bought it for him. It read on the front "Men who cook are sexy." He came and stood over me. "Uh dinner should be ready soon," he said, "So if you wanna wash up or something I'll be setting the table." I was so nervous I could barely even look at him. It was a mixture of anxiety and anger. I got up and went to the restroom just to try and gain some composure.
I sprinkled some water on my face and looked in the mirror. "You're a big girl," I said to myself. I went back out and took a seat at the dinner table. He'd made my favorite, lasagna. He placed my plate in front of me before grabbing his own. We ate in silence for the most part. I could feel him watching me, but I refused to look up.
I didn't know how to start, what to say. Finally he spoke. "When I was 17 and playing football I secretly hung out with this nerdy guy," he began, "His name was Charles and he was in the marching band, but we liked the same video game and he was great at it." He sat up straight in his chair and placed his napkin in his lap before he began again. "Well I was secretly hanging with this dork and was scared if anyone found out that me, Mr. Cool at the time, was hanging with Charles Dorky Williams, I'd be disowned by all," he chuckled a little bit before he continued and so did I. "Well one day I was at his house and I was playing as he sat to the side and watched. I scored a huge score and got super excited. I turned to look at him and noticed he was looking at me funny. As if he were admiring me. I felt disgusted and all I felt was anger." He stopped and paused for a while and cleared his throat.
"I was so mad," he said, "That this guy was looking at me in that way. I confronted him you know? I said 'what the fuck are you looking at?' And he just paused and shook his head and started saying 'nothing man, nothing' but I knew. I said 'are you a fucking fag man?' and he didn't answer. He just shook his head no. I kept calling him names and threatening him. He finally said 'I'm sorry Jay, I thought that maybe you were like that too'. This offended me. It made me wonder why he'd think I was gay, or honestly," he paused a bit "honestly made me wonder if he could tell I liked men too. I punched him so hard and told him to never talk to me again." He just sat there looking at his plate, just thinking.
"I know it's wrong Felicia," he said, "I know it's not right by God to be gay, but why would he allow me to feel this? I tried my best to fight it. I never looked at a guy. Never got close to touching one. I only watched the movies you know." I shuffled a bit in my chair, feeling a bit uncomfortable. He continued to talk. "Then I met you, and you were awesome," he looked up at me and smiled, "And for the longest I could only think of you. I thought I was 'cured' you know? But then towards the end of senior year I met this guy. He was a freshman who stayed in my apartment complex. We would hang out and have a bear every now and then. I felt comfortable talking to him even though I could tell he was gay. He was the first I confessed to about my urges I'd have every now and then. He was the first guy I ever had sex with."
I dropped my fork on the table and stood up and walked towards the hallway. I faced the wall with my head in my hand. "Felicia please," he said, "I know this hurts you but I have to get this out." His voice began to break as if he wanted to cry, "I have to tell you more than anyone else." I dried my eyes the best I could and returned to the table. "We only did it twice," he continued, "But I cared for our relationship more than sexual pleasure with this guy. I broke his heart to save yours." He stopped as if that were it. As if I were supposed to say something, but I had nothing to say. I was even more upset now.
After he realized I wasn't ready to talk he continued. "I was never with another man until after we were married, but even then it was a year before I gave in. For a while it was the same guy, but I never kept him them around too long. I didn't want them to catch feelings because I wanted to stay married to you. I wanted to keep up this appearance of the perfect couple. I wanted to still be with you, but another part of me was dying trying to keep this secret."
"So what do you want to do?" I asked, finally becoming comfortable enough to speak. "I love you," I said, "But I can't live with you and stay with you knowing this." I paused and reached in my purse and pulled out papers I'd printed and brochures about curing gay men. "There are places," I said, "that help with this type of thing. You can try different clinics and counselors and maybe there's hope for us." He peeked at the papers but not for long. "You think I haven't looked at all this before?" he said to me, "I know about all this Felicia, I don't think it'll work. I've tried talking to people and doing things, but the urges don't go away." "Well," I said, "maybe how you gave up certain guys for me, maybe you can do that still you know. Maybe your love for me?"
I stood up and walked towards him seductively and placed my hands on his shoulders. I began massaging his muscles and leaned over and began kissing his neck slowly. "If you want me bad enough then urges don't matter because our love will conquer that," I said, "I will cut back my work hours, we'll plan more trips, anything we need to do to get you to focus more on me and us rather than," I couldn't say it, I couldn't say men and openly admit my husband is gay. "Well you know," I said. He grabbed my hand tightly and stood up. He turned around and looked at me and pressed me against the wall. He looked me in my eyes. I got excited and thought maybe he was willing to cooperate with my idea.
He placed his hands on my waist and leaned in. "I love you so much," he said, "And I wish baby, just wish, it was that easy." My face became saddened. "I can't do that," he said, "It wouldn't be fair to you because it doesn't matter. Those feelings are still there deep inside me. I think," he stopped and looked down at the floor before looking back up at me, "I think we should get a divorce." The words went through me hard. I didn't even realize that I'd began crying until I felt him wipe my face and apologize.
I walked away from him and sat on the couch. He let me cry. I think he could tell I needed to be alone. Not sure how it lasted. He just sat at the table and waited on me to say something. I wanted to be with him so bad. I wondered why I couldn't have him, when I was the one who deserved him more than anyone. Even worse, everyone would see us, the perfect black couple, divorce. The entire image would be ruined. I couldn't lose, not like this. I got up and dried my eyes and walked back towards my husband. He just sat there and looked at me.
"I don't want a divorce," I said, "Marriage is forever James." He looked at me confused. "Felicia," he said, "have you not been listening, I can't do this anymore." "What if," I began slowly, "What if you could?" He looked even more confused. "What if we had an open marriage?" I said. I could tell he couldn't believe what I was saying as much as I could barely believe it. "More detail please?" he said. "I love you and you love me, but you want to physically be with men sometime," I said, "And what if I allowed that. Like once a week or whatever, you'd have your night with your guy or when ever you wanted therefore still receiving you're satisfaction of both being married and sleeping with men."
He sat there and looked at me as if I were crazy, but I can tell he was thinking about it and that the idea intrigued him. "Do you realize what you're saying?" he said, "Marriage isn't supposed to be like this, it's supposed to be sacred." "Say's who," I said, "Who can really define what marriage should be like? This is about you and I trying to keep a promise to one another." He sat in silence again for a while. Finally he said, "Okay." "Okay?" I said. "Yeah," he responded, "If you are absolutely okay with that, then thats fine with me. You're right, I don't want to lose you and this may just be the best way."
We agreed that I'd move back in and that we'd discuss it further and in more detail. The first couple of weeks were great. Almost back to normal. We even made love more than we normally did. I didn't even think about our "open" marriage until that third week. "Baby," he said to me, "So when are we gonna discuss 'it'?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd tried to forget about it and pretend we never decided to have an open marriage. "Um, sure," I said, "What do you want to talk about?" He laughed a bit. "Come on now Felicia," he said, "You know. You said we'd pick day. I was thinking tomorrow." My heart dropped. Yes I had agreed to this, but now that it was actually going into effect I didn't even want to to think about it. "Sure baby," I said, "but not here okay. A hotel or his place, but not here, not our bed." He agreed. I didn't even look at him and we didn't really talk for the rest of the night.
The next day was torture. I was at work thinking about my husband being with someone else. I felt like an idiot for sharing him, but I'd rather do that then divorce him. He didn't come home that night. I hated sleeping in our bed alone. I cried all night. The next day when I came home from work he was back home. He had cooked dinner. He rushed me and gave me a big hug. "Hey baby, missed you," he said. He tried to give me a kiss, but I dodged it. I was so upset. "Oh wow, see I knew this would happen," he said, "This isn't gonna work Felicia." I sat my purse down, "Well," I said, "I'd just like to know if you aren't coming home for the night," I said, "That's all." It was definitely more than that, but I didn't want him to think I wasn't strong enough to follow through on our plan.
I hadn't told my mother. She thought that he'd agreed to counseling and that we were getting help. I couldn't tell her or anyone. It was so embarrassing. The only person I felt comfortable with telling the truth to was my best friend Tara who lived in Chicago. I originally told her I found out he had cheated, but never told her it was with a man. That night on the phone I told her everything, even about our open marriage. She didn't judge me, didn't say a word until I was done. After she sympathized with me and tried to make me feel better she finally began to tell me her thoughts. "You know I love you," she began, "But listen to me now. James is a gay man. He's gay Felicia, that's it point blank. I know you love him, but what you are doing is stupid. You are allowing your marriage to be breached. It's stupid and wrong. I know you are worried about your image and your marriage, but baby this is not fair to you and it will drive you crazy. Don't do this to yourself."
I thought about her words deeply. Inside I knew both she and my mother were right. Another two months passed and each week James had his "day". It killed me more and more each time. I made reservations at the place where we used to have dinner when we first got married. He was so happy with our arrangement. I could tell. We got to the table and had dinner. Afterwards we were sitting there drinking our champagne when I began to speak. "James," I said, "I love you so much, you have no idea. I want you in my life just as bad, but I think we both know our situation is a sad one." My eyes began to water. I reached in my purse and pulled out an envelope. I opened it at the table and pulled the divorce papers out. "But I can't do this anymore, " I said in a broken voice, "I just can't." His face dropped. I could tell he was saddened and wasn't expecting this. He just looked at the papers as I got up and left the restaurant.
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