Broken-Hearted

I lay alone heartbroken thinking of our last moments spent together. Had I known it would have been the last time I would have cherished it more. But I was ignorant to the fact that our life-long love was to be no more. For 8-years we had been going back and forth, he and I, connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again. That last night he came over was special. I was so anxious to hear my door bell ring. It had been close to a year since I had seen him last. Between that time we had dated others, even gotten serious, but for some odd reason we kept coming back to this point, to each other. The love was never lost, maybe simply paused. I remember the feeling I got of my tummy tumbling as I saw his headlights in front of my house. I wondered if I should have waited upstairs for him to ring the bell and pretend I wasn't anxiously awaiting his arrival, but I could do that. No, I was standing there with the door open and a huge smile on my face. He smiled when he saw me too. We hugged one of "our" hugs. They seemed to be so perfect, like my body fit just right inside his arms. I led him inside and we conversed and laughed for a while as we waited for our pizza to be delivered. The never-endless flirtation turned me on. Reminded me of old times and good times when we didn't have worries. When our relationship seemed so new and perfect. After we ate, we curled up on the couch watching our favorite movie. I began to dose off towards the end, which I often did. I could feel his hands on my thigh, caressing it slowly. This felt so good, even after so many years. He then pulled my hair back from my neck and began to kiss it. By now my body is melting in his arms and he has me right where he wants me. He know's all my spots and what turns me on. As he kissed my neck I began to think about the other girls he may have been with between us, or even just the day before. I mean we weren't committed. Then I became jealous wondering if he touched them and caressed them the way he did me. I knew he most likely did. He pulled my face towards his to kiss me and that's when I turned my head away. He snickered and went for the kiss again as if I were playing around. I turned again. "Really?" he said, "It's like that now?" I sighed, "I'm sorry," I began, "I just don't know where else those lips have been lately." "Ok, like I know where yours have been?" he replied. I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess you don't." "So what's this about?" He said in a somewhat angry tone. I sat up. I had a lot on my mind. There were so many unspoken words between us. I started bringing up the past, which he hated because he had messed up so many times. I talked about the times he hurt, apologized, then did it again. I explained how vulnerable I was with him and how he was the only man I could think of and that that scared me. I told him I didn't want to be hurt again, I didn't want broken promises. He said his part to of course, and it did go into a bit of an argument. But at the end all I could say was, "I love you so much baby, but I don't trust you." These words hurt him a bit I could tell, yet I knew he understood why they had to be said. "I'm sorry for hurting you, you know I am," he began, "I know we've been through a lot and I've put you through a lot." As he said those last words he rubbed my belly referring to the abortion that he said I "had" to have. "All I know is this," he continued, "I love you more than any other woman I've ever met and that I'll do my best to never hurt you again." These words sounded so right and felt so good to hear. For some reason I believed him this time. He leaned in to kiss me again, and this time I let him. He got up and led me into my bedroom. The night was magical, not just us making love, but afterwards, just laying in his arms. I knew this was the beginning of our final relationship. No more break-ups and make-ups, but finally a steady relationship. I was so happy that last night we were together. You couldn't get that smile off my face. When he left the next day, he promised he'd be back soon. We talked and texted for the entire day, but the next day it stopped. I called and called, texted and texted, yet no response. I couldn't figure out what had happened. What was wrong. I was even concerned. After a few days worrying, and a few nights of crying alone, I contacted his sister. I asked her had she seen him. She sounded so shocked on the phone and I didn't understand why. "He's gone," she said. "What do you mean?" I asked. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew," she continued, "Him and his baby mama eloped yesterday. She's 7 months pregnant. I thought y'all still kept in touch." My heart dropped into my stomach and sunk into my feet where it belonged since it was so used to getting stomped on. I felt bad, but I had to interrogate his sister. I needed to know who the girl was, where they were, how long they dated, how well did she know her, and why had her brother once again broken my heart. She apologized for her brother, like she had many times before. I got off the phone and cried like I had never cried before. He was gone like she said. To Florida with his new wife and unborn child. I couldn't believe it or understand how he could do this to me, the one who had been here all these years. It wasn't until 3 weeks later that he contacted. Yes, it still weighed heavy on my mind, but I had learned to try and get past it. His message re-opened wounds. His email sad that he didn't lie about anything he said that night and that he did love me more than he loved his wife, but he felt that he and I couldn't be. He swore after the night we spent together he went to his baby's mother to break it off with her to be with me, but she cried and talked him into still marrying her, which, after careful consideration, he thought was the right thing to do. He apologize for keeping both her and the baby a secret. He said he couldn't even tell me, he was too scared to hear the hurt in my voice and he knew his silence probably hurt more. I cried as I read it. The hurt ran deep into my bones. And now I lied here, alone, in my bed, with a broken heart. I can't sleep, yet don't want to stay awake. I just wonder if now I can finally leave the past in the past and move on. Move past this hurt.